On Friday, October 23, Athletic Co-Director and Head Boys Varsity Basketball Coach Kelly Sena led a Tyree Institute Ask the Experts session at the Arts & Athletics Center. Parents and coaches from Wolcott and other schools spent the morning on one idea: student-athletes grow when the adults around them send the same message.
Coach Sena talked about what coaches watch beyond points and playing time, like how a player responds to a missed shot, a turnover, or being subbed out. She asked parents to keep pregame talk off the scoreboard, let athletes pack their own bags and own their mistakes, and save hard conversations for the next day. For coaches, she walked through how she breaks a complex offense into parts so every player can learn it.
“One game does not define a player,” she said. “Neither does one season.”
Read the full transcript below. Watch the video here.
Parents and Coaches: One Team, One Message
Coach Kelly Sena, Athletic Co-Director and Head Boys Varsity Basketball Coach
Tyree Institute Ask the Experts Series
Friday, October 23, 2026, Arts & Athletics Center, Wolcott College Prep
This transcript has been edited for clarity and length.
Welcome
I appreciate everybody coming today. Coaches, parents, you being here is a big deal, because we’re trying to come together as a unit to make this happen. I’m really grateful that you’re here and present for this.
A little background on myself. I have more than 25 years in youth development, coaching, and education. As soon as I got to college, I was spending my summers working with kids and learning from some of the top coaches I could find. I wanted that because I was the kid who needed a mentor and that support. So I wanted to learn every aspect of the job, and I’ve come across so many different kids and personalities.
I’m the athletic co-director here alongside Jeff Walter, who’s right over here, and I’m the head boys varsity basketball coach. I’m going on my 10th year at Wolcott. I came over from another school down the street. I’ve worked with kids of all ages, and I’ve done individual training with college players to get them ready. Right now I have five kids playing NCAA basketball. These are kids from all different backgrounds, with all different skill sets when they first started, and I’m extremely proud of what they’re doing.
Why We’re Here
What we’re trying to do is create a common goal between coaches and parents in how we communicate with our kids. This is a big deal, because sometimes what parents are saying after games and what coaches are saying are two different things. We have to find a way to be on the same page about what we’re asking of them and what we’re telling them. We have our part and you have yours. If we do that, I guarantee you’re going to have a better athlete with a better understanding.
And we’re looking past basketball, because once the sport ends, they have a lifetime of things ahead of them, and we need to prepare them for that.
Everyone Has a Role
Coaches are there to coach the game and develop the player. That’s our job. Parents provide the perspective and the stability behind everything. With our student-athletes, our young adults, we have to model respect and teach it. We have to reinforce the responsibility we’re giving them. And we have to keep long-term development bigger than one result. We want to focus on what happens after the season ends and where they go from there. If we prepare them for that now, they’ll be ready for the next part of their journey.
It’s not always going to be a sport, and that’s okay. Everything I share today, we’re looking at through basketball, but I want you to think about anything they’re involved in. Maybe it’s another sport or a project. Maybe it’s an engineering program in college, or they’re in the arts and performing. This is going to prepare them for that.
So, coaches: we teach clearly. We adjust how we communicate, because we have to learn our players. And we hold a standard. Parents: you share your insight, you build independence, and you reinforce that standard. Athletes: they’re there to learn, and they’re learning how to learn. We’re teaching them to communicate for themselves, and we have to allow them to take ownership.
As we go through this, if something on a slide makes you want to bring something up, let’s talk about it. That’s what we’re here for. I want us to come together and support each other.
I’ll share some stories, some fun ones and some really tough situations I’ve come across as a coach. Yes, I have the experience, but even last year I had some tough situations where I felt broken as a coach. How do I fix that? You’re learning every time, no matter how many years you’ve been doing this. As a parent, as a coach, as an administrator, we are learning every moment. We may be adults and think we know it all, but there’s always something new that comes up, and our world is always changing.
What Coaches Are Really Watching
Parents often see this, and yes, coaches see it too: the points our kids are scoring, the minutes they’re playing, the shooting percentage, the wins.
We had an awesome pep rally the other day for girls volleyball, and we won. It was exciting to see everybody in the stands cheering, and our kids were doing flips on the court, running and jumping. It was amazing. But as coaches, that’s not all we’re looking at. We have to flip the script a little.
We’re looking at how they react to their own mistakes. We’re looking at their body language, how they are with their teammates, and their consistency, whether they’re starting the game or sitting on the bench.
I’ve had students who, the minute something bad happens, get frustrated and annoyed, and you can’t get them out of it. We have to teach them to handle those situations better. I see it with multiple boys, and I see it on the girls’ side too. They get so frustrated they can’t come back from it, and we have to teach them how.
This is extremely important. A couple of years ago I went to some college exposure tournaments and listened to the college coaches. They’re not looking for what they used to look for. They show up because they know a kid has talent. But what makes them stay is seeing how the kid handles situations. Are they capable of being a good teammate? They want to see them make a mistake. They want to see what happens when the team is losing badly, and what’s going on on the bench. And you know what else they’re looking at? The parents. They want to see if that kid’s parents are handling the situation the right way.
That comes straight from college coaches. I’m not saying all of your kids are going to play college sports. I just want you to know people are watching.
I had another experience where someone from an outside program, nothing to do with sports, came to a game to watch one of our students. They wanted to see if he was a fit for their program, so they wanted to see how he handled things. They came and talked to me about him after the game. He did a great job that day. But they were watching how he handled the tough situations, and I want you to remember that.
Talent gets the attention. They see the talent. Maybe that kid is the best athlete out there. But how do they handle things? How do they build trust through their reactions? Are they positive and lifting up their teammates? Are they saying, “I made a mistake, I’m going to fix it”? Are they going to the bench and high-fiving their teammates? These are big deals.
After the Mistake
As a coach, I want to see how they handle themselves after a missed shot. I want to see what happens after a turnover. Are they going to flip the script and make up for it on the other end? I want to see what happens when I sub them out. I want them to stop saying, “Why are you taking me out now?” That’s got to stop. I want the mentality to be: if I’m coming out, I’m going to sit on the bench, high-five everybody, and say, “I got this, Coach.”
I watch the body language of the kids on the bench too. A couple of times I’ve seen bad body language and the player is asking me questions, and I’m not answering right then. I want them to change things. And that’s when their teammates nudge them and say, “You’ve got to show her you want to be out there. Be ready.” Or they get them cheering. We want them to stay connected on the bench, because maybe there’s a chance I put them back in. If they’re not connected to what’s happening in the game, they won’t be ready. That’s where they all have to support each other.
People are watching. You don’t know who’s in the stands. Maybe there’s somebody from a school or a program who wants to invite them in. People are watching, and that’s okay. I want them to learn that, because when they go to college or take their next step, how are they going to handle tough situations? That’s why we have to start now. What we say as parents and what we say as coaches has to be on the same level.
So when they miss a shot, we want to see if they stay positive and reset. Can they get back on defense? I’m using basketball, but it applies to everything. Then there’s the turnover. Think about palms up versus palms down. Somebody sent me a video on this. Palms up is “What did I do? Why did that happen? It’s not my fault.” We stop, and the play is happening on the other end. We have to get them into the mode of saying, “All right, I made a mistake. Let me get back on defense.”
And if they’re not getting the call they want, what’s the point of arguing with the ref? The ref isn’t going to change the call. While we’re standing there arguing, the other team just scored two points on us. Arguing only makes everyone more upset, and then we’re flipping out even more. Just get back on defense and keep playing. We have to keep that conversation going with them.
Engaged or Not Engaged
Last Friday I changed things up with the boys basketball team. Instead of the usual “sign this and you’re on the team,” I called a mandatory meeting. Twenty-three boys showed up. The first thing I asked them was: Do you want to do this? Are you willing to commit to this season? Every one of them raised a hand. I asked the question again after the presentation, and one kid said, “No, I’m not going to be that committed.” I told him, “Great, you’re being honest, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you can’t be part of the team. It’s okay to tell me you can’t commit like this.”
In that meeting we talked about being engaged and not engaged, and I showed them visuals of both. It’s not enough to tell them. They need to see the difference. Are they present, making eye contact and conversation? And trust me, I know some of our kids can’t always look you in the eye, and that’s okay. We’re going to teach them. I’ve seen a change in some of the kids, and they can all get there.
Are they staying positive in tough situations, or sitting there with a negative attitude saying, “What’s the point?” while still wanting to be on the court the whole time? We have to teach them the difference, what’s going to help them, and how they’re going to be successful.
Are they lifting their teammates up? I have a good family of boys. They’re great together. But they still don’t understand the line with trash talking, who can handle what and who can’t. They can dish it all day long, but when somebody says it right back, they get upset. I don’t like it, and I cut it off the minute I see it. We’re not going after a teammate. They say, “That’s what we do outside.” Well, you’re on my court, so you’re not doing it here.
We have to teach them to lift each other up. If a teammate is having a bad moment, instead of “What’s your problem? Why’d you shoot that three?” how about, “It’s okay, you’ll get the next one.” We have to work on how they speak to each other, and cut it off quickly when it goes the wrong way. Parents, I’ve seen it outside too, and sometimes we laugh about it. When you see them going at each other, find a way to say, “Don’t talk to your friend that way.” And when they say, “It’s okay, Ms. So-and-so,” no, it’s not okay. Correct them, and help them find a way to lift each other up.
Are They Coachable?
Respecting coaches. Are your kids coachable? Are they willing to be? That’s huge for us. And this has nothing to do with learning differences. It’s whether they’re willing to give you their attention, listen, talk to you, and respect you.
I’ve been telling a couple of the boys: when I’m speaking to you, just hear what I’m saying before you say anything. Don’t say “But, but, but.” Take a deep breath and let me explain. And then there’s always “No, but I did this.” Okay. Later we’ll look at film. I’ve done this before, and when they see the film they literally take a step back and say, “Oh wow, you were right, Coach.” And I’m like, are you kidding me? We went through all that, you’ve been upset for weeks, and now that you see the video you’re fine? Now I have to spend an extra hour showing video every time. But it’s hard. They’re learning. Repetition is important, so we keep at it.
We Keep a Different Scoreboard
We keep a different scoreboard than most people. Are we excited that your child made a team here at Wolcott? Everybody makes a team here, varsity or JV. Playing time is not guaranteed, but everybody makes the team. Of course we’re excited about wins. We all want to win. Scoring? I’ll be honest, I don’t think much about scoring. I’m looking at other areas. But is it nice to see a kid score 20 points who only scored two before, or had never scored at all? Yes. That’s growth.
Starting is the same. When they start a game, they’re excited, and they should be. They earned it. They gave everything in practice. But at our last meeting I told the kids: I don’t care if you think you’re the top player at Wolcott College Prep, nobody has a spot in the starting lineup right now. You’re going to earn it, and the lineup might change daily. I tell them that now because later, when they don’t start, it’s because I had to make a decision. Maybe we’re playing a team where I need three tall post players, or maybe I need a small, fast lineup. I have to keep reminding them: I don’t know who’s starting today, and whatever happens, I’m basing it on who we’re playing.
Because Coach isn’t only thinking about building you. I’m also watching film on other teams so we can be ready. We’re looking at a lot more film now. It’s a lot of work, and some of you coaches understand this. I want to know who we’re playing, because I also want to make sure my kids who might have a learning difference or struggle with something are ready for it.
But for me, the small things matter. I’m not looking at the big wins. I want to see if they’re making better decisions, how they’re handling situations, how they’re reacting. I’ll be honest, I’d rather lose a game so they can learn a lesson right now. I want them to feel confident in what they’re doing. I’m trying to build something here and get them ready for their next step. Do I want you to be a top college player? Heck yeah. But that’s not the priority. I want to make your boys and girls better athletes and better prepared for life, whatever they end up doing.
Communication is a big deal: how they communicate on the court, with their teammates, and with the adults in their lives. Are they loud on the court? I tell them all the time, I want you loud. Speak up. Work on it now, because if you can do it here on the court, you’ll be able to do it in the classroom, in college, or wherever you end up.
Body language is huge, and I’ll be real: since Covid, the dynamic with student-athletes has changed. It’s not the same anymore. Everybody knows better. They’re watching TV and social media, and they think that’s the way to do it. I tell them, don’t fight me on this. Don’t bring LeBron James into my house. If you want to talk about LeBron, take it outside. Give me a player who works hard and shows you how to play defense. That’s what I want to see.
And I want to see if they’re using what we taught them in practice. Are they trying to go left even though they’re right-handed? Are they boxing out? Let me tell you, I will jump off the floor when I see somebody box out.
Here’s the other thing. I’ve offered my boys $10 for every charge they take. That’s how desperate I am. Parents, if you don’t know what that is, a charge is when a player sets their feet and doesn’t move while the other player runs into them. If you take a charge, I’ll give you $10. And I know I’m not going broke, because they won’t do it. Nobody wants to take a charge. I think I’ve had maybe two kids do it. But when I see it, I’m doing things I’ve never done before, jumping off my feet. I’m standing the whole game, by the way. Those are the things that matter most to us.
Focus on What You Can Choose
What can they choose? They can’t choose to win a game. We have to remember that. What they can choose is their effort. Are they going out there to give everything they’ve got?
What I tell our boys, and what I’ve told girls who have asked me for advice, is that the minute you step over that line onto the court, you give me everything you’ve got. Even if you’re not in shape yet, give me a good two minutes. And if you say, “Coach, I need a break,” I’m going to praise you for that, because you noticed your body shutting down instead of forcing it, and that helps your team. This fall, a player on one of the AAU teams I work with outside of Wolcott came up to me and said, “Coach, I need a minute.” I looked at him and said, “Thank you. That’s what I’ve been asking for. Go get some water, let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll get you right back on the court.” Because you’re working, and you’re doing something for your team. It matters.
They can choose to respond better to a bad call. I’ve refereed one game in my life, and that’s the last time I’ll ever do it. It’s not easy. Yes, we know some referees are really bad. I’ve come across some horrible ones and some amazing ones. But we’re never going to get every call we want. And parents, we have to handle ourselves in the stands too. I know we get mad, but we have to teach them to let it go and get back on defense.
How are they talking to their coaches? Are they respecting coaches, officials, opponents, and teammates? Adults, think about this. On the court, when adrenaline hits, we get loud. At least I do. I’m Puerto Rican. I get really loud. But when we’re yelling out there, we’re not mad. We’re trying to make things happen. My parents can attest to this: I’m up and down the sideline, loud. Sometimes the kids read that as me being mad at them. “Why are you angry with me?” So before every season I remind them: Coach is loud. Coach is going to be on you and keep pushing you.
Last week a boy was telling a teammate something, and the teammate got upset. I had to tell him, “He’s not mad at you. He’s trying to give you the opportunity. He wants you to give the ball to the point guard and go get open, because he knows you’re on fire from the three-point line.” When you’re in that game and people are yelling, they’re not yelling because they’re mad at you. We have to teach them the difference.
We have to create these habits, because long after basketball, long after any sport, they’ll need them in whatever they’re involved in. That’s why we teach this now. I will always say this: sports and the arts are extremely important for our kids. Robotics, too. It doesn’t matter what. Make sure they’re involved in something, because it’s going to help them. But we all have to work on this together.
Preparation
Parents, I have to talk about preparation. It’s very important. We have to prepare them before school, before a game, before any activity, and we have to give them that responsibility.
That means the phone. Scrolling on the way to the game, all of that. We have to pull the phone away. I noticed a big difference in one player between the beginning of the season and mid-season, and I asked the parent what had changed. She said that two hours before a game or activity, the phone gets put away. That way her child can focus on a conversation and let their mind rest. When they came into practice, they were completely prepared. It helped that student build the right mindset and take a breather.
We also have to stop the pregame conversations about who they’re playing and how many points they’re going to score. Let’s not talk about the score or what they’re going to do. That only stresses them out.
Here’s what we can do. Movement first. Get them packing their own bags and getting themselves ready. Try to find a consistent wake-up time. I know they’re teenagers and want to hang out with their friends all the time. I get it. But try to build a routine around moving their body, exercising, and getting rest. That’s going to help them in the long run, well beyond sports.
Then have a different kind of conversation. Talk about effort. Talk about how they’ll handle things with a teammate if they’re struggling with one. Find a goal for the day: “What do you think will help you today? What’s one goal for today?” Have that conversation before they get out of the car.
And a calm parent creates a calm athlete. I’ll say that all day long. If we’re calm before they get here or before they get to their activity, it helps your child.
Your Face Is Coaching Your Child
Your face is coaching your child. This is a big deal. I’m very grateful for our parents here at Wolcott, because this group handles it very well. But I’ve seen it in other places.
After mistakes, athletes look toward you. I know you think your teenager doesn’t care. They care. They might say, “Mom, don’t say anything,” or “Why are you here?” But they’re looking for you whether you think so or not. Trust me, the kids talk to me about everything. They’ll tell me, “I don’t see my mom yet.” They won’t tell you that. They ask me all the time, “Where’s my mom?” I’ll say, “She’s over there. Why don’t you go say hi?” “No, no, no, I’m just wondering.” And they walk away. Why are you asking, then? Because they want to see you there. Later in life, they’re going to ask you about that moment and the excitement of what just happened.
So when you show disappointment after a missed shot, or you’re angry or upset about something, even if it’s something that really wasn’t good and I’m mad about it too, wait. Don’t talk about it in that moment. Don’t show it. Keep the smile on your face. When they’ve calmed down, the next day, you can have that conversation. In the moment, keep it positive, because they are watching. I’ve seen parents roll their eyes. I’ve seen parents frustrated.
I had a situation where a parent left in the middle of a game. One of our boys came to me asking, “Where’s my dad?” I said, “He’s probably out in the hallway.” Why would his dad be gone already? But he had left. The boy was a senior, and he was trying so hard to please his father, who had been a tremendous athlete. And his dad left. So stay. Even if you’re upset, even if you’re not happy with the effort or what you’re seeing, stick around. It matters to them. Later, when everybody’s calm, you can ask, “What was going on with you today? Why were you playing like this?”
Parents, I know it’s not easy raising a teenager. Am I right? But remember, coaches have 20 of your teenagers, so it isn’t easy for them either. They’re trying to find a balance. We all have our part. These teenagers are looking for more from us than you think, and they really care about what you think.
Then work on what you’re cheering for. Stop worrying about their shooting or their points. Focus on things like “Get back on defense! You got this! Hustle! Keep going, don’t give up!” Don’t get into “Why did you shoot that? Bad decision.” I’ve heard that screamed from the stands. I’ve watched videos of coaches going to the stands and telling parents, “Enough. Don’t speak to your kid right now.” They’re just trying to help, because they can hear it on their end. So if a coach ever tells you to cut it out, don’t take it personally. We’re telling you because it’s not helping your child in that moment.
One look adds pressure. One smile helps them in so many ways. If we stay positive, they’ll move on to the next play and make a change. But we have to help with that.
Calm Parents Build Confident Athletes
Again, calm parents build confident athletes. One play or one game does not define a player. Neither does one season. They can improve. They can make up for it on the other end. We have to let that moment go and move on.
Bad games are information, and so are bad situations. Let them fail. It’s okay, because it’s a learning experience, and they’ll figure it out next time. But if they’ve never failed, what happens when you’re not there? When they go to college? When they need support and can’t get ahold of you? We have to teach them to handle things.
They already put a lot of pressure on themselves. We can’t add to it. They need to feel safe to try, to fail, to learn, and to try again. And being calm does not mean low standards. It means you’re reducing their anxiety while still holding a high standard. I know I’m a coach and I get loud when I’m motivating them on the court, and some of you know I don’t stop, because they need that to keep going. But how we handle things overall has to be calm and confident.
Postgame Conversations
Postgame conversations are a big deal. Try not to focus on whether they won. Whether you were there or not, you know if they won. Let’s stop talking about the win, the points they scored, or how many minutes they played. There are five players on the court for your team. Baseball has nine, soccer has 11. That leaves another ten on the bench. Everybody gets their position if they’ve earned it. We don’t know what happened in practice when you weren’t there, and there’s probably a reason behind it. We’ll talk more later about kids speaking for themselves and talking to their coaches.
Instead, ask: What was your best effort today? Did you help a teammate? Or, “I saw the way you lifted your teammate up. What was going on there?” “I saw how you responded to that. What were you thinking?” We just want to understand where their thoughts were. And: What did you learn today? Those are the conversations to have after a game.
And if they’re angry or upset after a game, don’t talk to them in the moment. Wait until they get home and they’re calmer, or until they’re ready to talk. Maybe that’s the next morning. If they’re not ready that evening, don’t fight with them about it. You won’t get any clear insight into what’s going on in their head. They’re just going to be angry.
Even as a coach, when a kid is upset after a game, I say, “Go take a walk. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Of course I want to know what’s going on and why they’re upset with me. Maybe it’s playing time. But let’s talk tomorrow, so I can explain my side and we can understand each other, because right now it isn’t going to work. The same goes for you as parents. Wait until the next day. Maybe they’re calm in the car, maybe not. But ask these questions instead, and leave the rest for later.
Let Athletes Own More
We have to allow our athletes to own more. I understand that here at Wolcott, and at some of the other schools represented today, we have kids with learning differences. We have kids who struggle with taking responsibility. They can’t remember the schedule. They forget everything they can forget. And we’re all trying to help in every direction.
But we have to let them own it. They have to take responsibility, and that means small consequences so they start learning. You have to be okay with that. If you’re not, you’re not helping us as coaches, and you’re not helping the teachers at their school. Let us support you on that. I promise you, if they want to be on the court and can’t play because they forgot something, they’ll wake up the next day thinking, “I need to make sure I have my stuff.”
The problem I keep running into is: “Mom, I forgot my shoes,” and Mom runs home to get the shoes and brings them. So they don’t learn anything. Or, “I don’t have my jersey.” I’ll be real, I’ve failed as a coach on this a couple of times. “Oh my God, here, take this.” Because it keeps happening, and sometimes I don’t have the support. We have to make that change. If they forget something, it’s okay. I know you want to rush in and help. Let them figure it out. Say no, you have to deal with it.
If they show up to practice without their shoes, guess what? They’re not practicing. That doesn’t mean they skip practice. They still have to show up, and they’ll sit on the bench. I’ll have them do their homework, and they’ll be there to listen when we go over plays so they’re still paying attention. Then when they come back the next day, they run sprints, and their whole team runs with them. The team knows why. When they see their teammates running because of a mistake they made, they don’t want to let them down again. Depending on the situation, it’s a wake-up call. And you’re helping us when you let that happen.
So we have to let them start doing these things. Pack their own bag. Learn their own schedule. “I need to call my mom. Do I have a game today? Coach, do we play tonight?” We just talked about this!
They have to start taking ownership and preparing. Look at this slide: comes prepared, brings the right gear. That’s what we want to see. I know sometimes they don’t. So how do we support them? We help them build a schedule. They have their phones with them all the time, so set alarms for everything throughout the day. Build the schedule on their phone with them. And thanks to Vincent, we have Veracross. Once their name is in there, the basketball season schedule goes to their email, so they can look at it there. Tell them, “Look at Veracross.”
So help build their schedule and have them look at it. And let me tell you, when they don’t, it’s often not that they can’t. They don’t want to put in the effort. “Coach, just tell me.” Look at the schedule! Open your laptop. “Oh, look, I have a game.” They don’t want to take that extra step. They want you to do it for them, because they’re used to us doing it for them. We have to make that change. If we don’t create that opportunity, they’re going to miss out on a lot of things in life.
Some of our parents here have kids in college, and I know those kids have grown now that their parents aren’t right there. There are still little things here and there. But I hear it in my conversations with them. They have to do things themselves because nobody is holding their hand. If we build that independence now, it’ll be a lot easier, and it’ll be a relief for you before they take off.
Ownership Can’t Be Given
Ownership can’t be given. Parents, you encourage it. Encourage them to take ownership and take responsibility. Coaches, we model it and create an environment for it. That’s our job. But the athlete has to choose to do it. We do our part, and the rest is up to them.
Ownership can start early. It starts when they ask the questions themselves. Teach them to go ask, instead of you coming to us. It shows up when they get to practice on time, do their job, and take responsibility. If we get them doing these things, they’ll take ownership a lot sooner.
After mistakes, ownership means they learn and move to the next play. “I made a mistake. I got called on it. So be it. Let me get back.” Those things are extremely important. We don’t want to chase ownership for them. We want to help them discover it. We’re here to guide, not to do it for them.
The Sport Ends, the Lessons Don’t
The sport ends, but the lessons don’t. Show up on time, because life rewards reliability. During basketball season, school lets out at 3:40. Practice starts at 4:00, but I tell them to be there at 3:50, because I want them early. Some kids are running over from school and throwing their shoes on in the gym, and they’re there early. Others walk in at 3:50 on the dot, and others show up at 4:00. We want to teach them to be reliable. My job as a coach is to create that culture, and if we hold standards in practice, they’ll start doing it. That’s one of the things I covered in my meeting with the boys this year: my expectations. They’re not stopping to hang out with friends on the way. They’re not making a quick McDonald’s run.
One great thing about Wolcott is that we have academic coaching after school. I give them access to it, because I know they need support. But I don’t give them access if they’re just choosing not to do their work. That doesn’t teach any lesson. If they don’t understand something, that’s exactly why they should go. They’re part of a team, and they have a responsibility. They’re students before they’re athletes. Academic coaching is there to help them learn.
There’s a lot of other support at our school, too. There’s time built into the day to work with teachers, and some teachers meet with kids before school. And then there are weekends. “You had two days and you didn’t do anything? How is that possible?” “I wanted to hang out with my friends.” Okay, that was the choice you made.
We want to teach them to keep going when things get difficult. We want them to respect people even when they disagree. And adults, we have to remember this too. We’re never wrong, right? I see it all the time. It’s hard for adults to change. We’re used to doing things one way our whole lives. It’s easier to change a kid’s mindset, but we have to do it for ourselves too. It’s okay to say, “I might not agree with somebody, but I have to respect them.” And we have to teach our kids that.
We have to teach them how to handle disappointment. That’s a big deal. Don’t let them quit when they’re disappointed. Make them work through it and keep pushing forward.
And character lasts longer than highlights and trophies. Let me tell you, if you won a state championship and you’re a jerk the rest of your life, nobody cares about your state championship. They care about how you handle yourself and how you represent yourself. Our kids see that arrogance in other kids and they say, “I don’t want to deal with you. I don’t care what you’ve got.” Our kids have gone through a lot.
Coaches: Every Athlete Processes Differently
Coaches, every athlete may process things differently, especially now. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just that a lot of kids are dealing with it. ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning differences can affect attention, working memory, organization, reading, and processing.
Here’s an example of a change I made a couple of years ago. Running an offense can be very difficult. A lot of our kids get pushed aside by coaches because they can’t process the offense well, and the coach has five players who can, so they just focus on those five. I believe every single kid is capable of becoming an athlete, whether they process something quickly or not, even if they don’t yet know how to use their body. It’s how we teach it. If you want some techniques for teaching body movement, I’m happy to help with that.
One year, I had two offenses: one very simple and one very complex. They still couldn’t run the simple one. The complex one they wanted to run all the time because they knew it worked, but sometimes it worked for them and sometimes it didn’t.
So I broke the offense into three parts: the guard positions, the post positions, and what the guards and posts do together. First I had the guards at the top running their part, back and forth, without worrying about anybody inside. Then I took the guards out and brought the posts in to run their part. Then I had the guards run the post position so they understood what the posts have to do, and I had the posts run the guard position. That way everyone knows their own job and everyone else’s. Yes, you’re a post player and you belong in the paint, and the guards belong out there. But if you understand what the guard is doing, you can work with them. We added screens. I put the guards in the paint and the posts at the top and ran it backwards. Then I put everyone back in their own position and said, “This is your position now. Do you got it?” And they got the offense, because we broke it down.
It might take two practices. That’s okay. I know time is tight, especially when we’re teaching. But if it takes two practices, let’s do it, because they’ll finally understand it.
My other offense is against man-to-man defense, and it’s a lot of movement. Everybody plays every position. I broke it down the same way, but with this one I’m also like a director in a theater. “You go this way. You go that way.” I keep them moving and keep pushing them to their spots. “Go, go, go. You come up. You, down screen. You go here.” They might not know what they’re doing in the moment, but they’re doing it. Then it becomes repetition, and they figure it out: “Coach told me earlier to go that way, so now I’m going, and now I’m screening.” That’s how they learn it.
So remember, every kid learns differently. Even if you have five kids who can do it, make sure everybody gets there. Keep running it and rotating players in and out. Run it a thousand times until they get it.
Give one or two clear instructions before giving them a whole list. Break it down, give them a couple of things, and let them see it, process it, and understand it. Then let them run it. Don’t go into attack mode. Watch what they do and go from there. Then ask, “Do you understand what you’re doing now?” If you still see a blank stare, talk to them on the side.
In a game, I’ll call a player off the court if they’re struggling with something and put them right next to me while I’m coaching. I’ll say, “This part you did amazing. I love it. But you’re not understanding this part, and I want to fix that for you. This is what we’ve got to do.” Then one of my assistant coaches walks them through it, and once they’ve got it, they’re right back in the game.
We have to keep communicating, and always pair a positive with a negative. They want to see that. They don’t want to see disappointment all the time. Once they see disappointment, they’re done. They stop listening to you.
You’re going to keep repeating everything until they get it. But you don’t want to embarrass them. If you have to sit with them after practice to go over it, do that. This year I started a Google Classroom for the boys team. Last week they had to answer four questions about themselves. I’m going to post the plays there, written out, along with YouTube videos they can watch. But we’ll keep running the same things in practice.
The first hour of practice is always repetition and fundamentals. You can’t run a practice without that, every day, at any level. Fundamentals are key. The first five minutes should be stretching and body movement, learning how to move your body. Then fundamentals, and then the offense. Once they’ve got the fundamentals, you can add little things later. But you should always be repeating them, no matter what level they’re at.
Attitude or Confusion?
Coaches, we have to know the difference between attitude and confusion. A delayed response is not automatically disrespect. We have to check in with them. When kids don’t understand something, or they’re uncomfortable or holding back, sometimes they get angry with you or with the situation. They’re not really giving you attitude. They’re stuck. They’re lost in the moment. We have to find a way to support them and not automatically assume they’re disrespecting us. I’m still learning this myself, and I’ve been doing this for more than 25 years.
It’s about learning our players. We have to study them and know their emotions, their reactions, how they learn. I know that’s more work, and I know I’m asking a lot. But it’s worth it, because when they succeed, it feels good.
So communicate privately and have the conversation. I had a conversation with someone on Monday, and it was good to finally sit down and talk it through. It felt better to explain where I was coming from and hear where they were coming from. Understanding first, then accountability.
Parents: Help Your Athlete Understand How They Learn
Parents, help your athlete understand how they learn. I know we’ve all been working on this for a long time. We do it every day. That’s what we do here at Wolcott. But I want to reinforce it: help your child identify what helps them process things.
And it’s okay to go to the coach and say, “This is what I’ve learned over the years. This is what works for my kid.” That conversation should help the coach find a system for your child. It shouldn’t be telling them how to coach. As long as you’re not directing how to coach, there’s nothing wrong with that conversation.
Encourage your child to say, “Can you show me again?” I want them to say that. When they ask, I say, “Yes, let’s do it again.” Encourage them to say, “Can you give me one step at a time? Can you break it down for me?”
Prepare routines with them, including their equipment. Set the schedule, set the tone for what you want from them, and then step away and let them lead. Then we take over on our end and give them time to process in practice. Support that independence. It’s extremely important.
Difference Is Not an Excuse
Coaches and parents: a difference is not an excuse. A learning difference can explain why something is harder, but it does not remove the responsibility.
Avoid labeling every correction, consequence, or uncomfortable moment as unfair. “Why this? Why that?” That’s the rule. Why do I have to go to work every day? Because it’s my job. Let’s try to change how they think about that.
Help your athlete separate “I need support” from “I don’t want to do it.” Imagine a basketball player who is struggling to understand something in the offense, like we were just talking about. We want them to say, “I need support.” Maybe they need the coach to demonstrate or break it down. We want them asking for that, instead of saying, “I don’t want to do it.”
And we should ask ourselves why they’re saying they don’t want to do it. What do you think is going on? They’re frustrated. They don’t understand, and they don’t want to admit it. They’re afraid to admit they don’t understand. We want to correct that. It’s okay to say, “I don’t understand. I need you to help me.” We want to keep reinforcing that. As coaches, we want to say, “Tell me what you need.” And we don’t want them to be afraid to come to us with questions.
We’ll keep reinforcing respect for coaches, officials, teammates, and team expectations. Like I said, we run into some horrible referees. Just tell your athlete: okay, you made the call on me, I may not agree, but I’ll smile and walk away. And how they talk to coaches and respond to situations matters. I told my players, if you’re going to be disrespectful and uncoachable, go sit at the end of the bench, because I’m not going to spend an hour talking to you about it right now. We’ll talk later.
We want to celebrate self-advocacy. If you see them speaking up for themselves, celebrate it. When they ask for help, celebrate it. And keep the message consistent: We will help you find a way, but you still have to do your part.
The Standard Goes Both Ways
This is another big one for us. I’ve talked about this with Nike: humility in sports. It’s a big problem for adults. Am I right or am I wrong? Sometimes we don’t want to admit we’re wrong because it feels like weakness. Coaches, it’s okay to make a mistake. We make mistakes too. It doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t make you a weaker leader. When you come back and say, “I made a mistake,” and correct it, you gain your athletes’ trust. They’ll want to come to you more.
Parents, we have to model the same thing. Sometimes we’re frustrated. We have a lot going on in our lives, and the pressure takes over. We need to own our emotions and apologize when we’re wrong.
After every game and every practice, I go home and think about how the day went. What could I have done better? Why couldn’t I get that kid to understand? How could I have handled that situation on the court better? Maybe I ran a bad play, or someone was trying to tell me something after I explained something, and I said, “Not right now.” The next day I go back and talk to them about it, because I’ve processed it, and they hear it from me. And they say, “I love you, Coach. I got you.” They want that from you. It’s okay to do those things. It doesn’t make you weaker. That’s something we all have to work on.
The standard goes both ways. We ask athletes to own their mistakes, accept coaching, apologize when needed, learn, and move forward. They have to see us doing the same thing, and they have to see us on the same page. If we’re on different pages, it’s not going to work, and you’re not helping the kid. So we have to support each other. If we need to have a conversation later, we can. But we have to show them that we’re doing the same thing.
When a Concern Comes Up
When a concern comes up, start with the athlete. When it’s appropriate, encourage them to speak for themselves. Tell them to ask questions and talk.
Choose the right time. You don’t want to do it when they’re angry, and we don’t want to be angry either. Make space. “How about we wait until tomorrow to have this conversation? Wait until tomorrow to go talk to your coach.” Take a deep breath, clear our heads, and come together the next day.
Then ask questions to understand what’s going on and what the problem is. And focus on how they develop. Keep the conversation about growth, expectations, and next steps. Not “You were wrong. You did this.” Just what we can do to grow from it. That’s the change we want to make.
The goal is not to win the conversation. I don’t need to win a conversation with a kid. I care about what happens next.
Closing
When parents and coaches send the same message, athletes grow.
Thank you all for everything. I’m glad you came today. This is extremely important for our athletes. I hope our coaches will spread the word with parents wherever they go and keep this conversation going, and that parents will work with coaches to make this happen. I appreciate you all being here. Thank you.
